By Mark Pukalo
Why do I do a list of the worst movies each year?
Heck, it's fun.
But seriously, with as many films as I run across streaming as a self-proclaimed "amateur" critic, there are going to be some real stinkers that waste my valuable time. Whether they are poorly made, written or acted, they deserve to be called out. They make you angry, confused or bored.
I also think - as Jamie Shipley said in "The Big Short." - "What can I say, you know, I'm pretty good at finding shit."
Sorry. Love that movie.
The worst four movies of the 2024 Oscar Year could all tie for No. 1. I'll admit No. 2 is probably the worst. I didn't put it as No. 1. ... frankly, because few have ever heard about it (It's on Prime and the first scene is all you need to see).
The film that I pick as the worst of 2024 below just annoyed the heck out of me. I don't know if I was expecting too much out of it. I just thought it was dreadful and stole a lot of money at the box office. I'm glad I saw it on a TV.
You will see the worst 12 at the bottom, along with a list of films I was not interested in. If they pop up on streaming sites, maybe they get added to this list or they surprise me.
First, you will see a list of 57 movies I did not care for at all. A few things kept them out of the Dirty Dozen.
"Blink Twice," "Homestead" and "Smile 2" were the worst films I saw at the theater this past year. But maybe they are your cup of tea, who knows? "The Contestant" was so weird it provided a few laughs and the evil milkman (Christian Slater) made me chuckle in Jerry Seinfeld's "Unfrosted."
Religious horror-film fans may like "Immaculate" and "The First Omen," but I could not follow them. Many people liked "Problemista," but I just hated Tilda Swinton's character and wasn't particularly entertained.
There's always a little good about a Nic Cage movie (Arcadian) and you cared about the kid in "City of Dreams." but they weren't good films. "Daddio" had star power and Jenna Ortega looked good in "Miller's Girl." I actually have "Madame Web" rated higher than most. It's in my Top 300!
Here is the first of many lists to come in February before the Oscars. I am currently in the 340s for the year and not quite done!
The Dis-Honorable Mention (57)
Agent Recon - Sci-Fi drama about a recon team going to New Mexico to try and fight off a group of Aliens. Not much fun.
Apartment 7A - Julia Garner is a failed dancer who is brought in by a strange old couple and given the chance to be in a show. This Paramount-Plus original is confusing and weird. It is supposed to be a prequel to Rosemary's Baby. Julia can do better.
Arcadian - Nic Cage tries to take care of his two sons during dystopian times where monsters try to break in at night. Nothing really new. Uninspiring.
A Sacrifice - A socio-psychologist (Eric Bana) goes to Germany to study a cult and his beautiful daughter (Sadie Sink) gets drawn into it. Silly plot and an even less satisfying ending.
Bad Behaviour - Jennifer Connolly stars as a former child actor with problems who goes to a weird retreat that is led by a guru. I didn't get the black comedy.
Blackwater Lane - Strange thriller on Peacock about a mentally deranged woman who is convinced she will be a victim of a killer. There is a twist, but it's not all that compelling.
Blink Twice - Zoey Kravitz's first feature film as a director ultimately has an interesting premise, but I just didn't buy the story and two lead women characters are miss cast in my opinion. Zoey will do better.
Book of Clarence - A movie that is not sure what it wants to be and never really hits home. Clarence wants to be an apostle and sets out to accomplish his goal.
Breathe - Paramount Plus exclusive dystopian sci-fi about a family living in an underground bunker who must deal with desperate visitors.
Cellphone - A woman suffering PTSD from the death of her lover starts seeing her future on the screen of a cellphone. It's really not as interesting as it may sound.
City of Dreams - The story of as aspiring young soccer player from Mexico who is sold to a sweatshop in L.A. by smugglers. Premise is good. Execution is not.
Colors of Evil: Red - A girl's body is found on the beach in Poland and a prosecutor goes on a quest to solve the mystery.
The Contestant - A Japanese comedian agrees to a show where he is locked in a room for many months. It is funny at times and the ending is ok, but I was kind of bored overall.
Daddio - Two-person show. A broken, but strong girl (Dakota Johnson), takes a cab ride home with a talkative been-around-the-block driver (Sean Penn). Hard to really like either character.
The Deliverance - Horror film about an evil spirit that takes over a house and a broken family. It is confusing and more of the same.
Ezra - A forced story about a comedian and his estranged wife trying to deal with an autistic son. Robert DeNiro is the father's dad. It tries to pull at the heart strings, but does not seem real enough.
The Fabulous Four - Old friends meet again when one of them (Bette Midler) plans a wedding. Susan Sarandon also stars in a film that thinks it is funny, and it isn't.
Femme - A drag queen gets revenge on his attacker when the dude shows up at a gay hangout. It has a tiny bit of intrigue on how he gets its done in the end.
Ferry 2 - A former leader of a drug empire leaves his comfortable, hideaway life to help his niece against evil guys. It's on Netflix.
Fighter - Bollywood feature about a talented, but fated, pilot (Patty) who is suspended from the Indian Air Force team called the Air Dragons. It's way too long.
The First Omen - A young American woman travels to Rome to serve the church, but finds out about conspiracy to birth an evil child. It is probably good for those who like this kind of film.
Hold Your Breath - Strange psycho, horror drama about a woman who goes mad while trying to protect her daughters in 1930s Oklahoma during the Dust Bowl.
Homestead - An Apocalyptic event causes privileged people to gather at a rich man's estate along with hired ex-military for security. The message at the end is nice, but the characters are thin, the story is not anything special and the God squad stuff is kind of shoe-horned in at the end.
Hope Solo vs US Soccer - Documentary on he controversial soccer goalie. Did not change my opinion. Greg Ryan was wrong not to start her against Brazil, she is s jerk and U.S. soccer is corrupt. I side with the 99ers.
Immaculate - Sydney Sweeney stars as a young woman who devotes herself to the church as a nun and moves to a strange convent in Italy. It's just another one of those religious horror films with nothing particularly new. See "The First Omen."
The Imaginary - Inventive, but rather bland, cartoon about a little girl with a big imagination. Amonda and Rudger are cool kids, though.
The Inheritance - Horror chaos happens when estranged children of a rich man come home for his birthday to try to keep their father alive. (spoiler) However, the father has made a deal with the devil, you see. It's both cliched and uninteresting.
Jackpot! - It's "The Purge" as a comedy. Awkwafina and John Cena try hard with a really bad script.
Lisa Frankenstein - A strange introverted young high school girl finds a dead boyfriend and comes alive. Yeah, really. Not enough laughs.
Little Wing - A young girl, distraught by her parents' divorce, gets interested in raising racing pigeons. It never got very compelling for me.
The Long Game - Many of the good reviews over rate this golf movie about a group of Mexican Americans who win the Texas State High School championship in the 50s. Seems a bit thin to me.
Madame Web - Much like The Marvels and Morbius, another failure by Marvel. It seems like there was a decent movie in there to make, but they failed.
Meet Me Next Christmas - An incredibly contrived, illogical, dopey Christmas movie. A poor use of the pretty Christina Milian.
Miller's Girl - Your basic Nabokov story about a sexy teenager (Jenna Ortega) trying to seduce her teacher. Ortega is very convincing, but the story is a mess.
The Murder of Air McNair - Didn't know much about this case and I didn't learn enough from this rather short documentary. It certainly looks like it could have been someone else to me.
No Way Up - Plane dives into the ocean. Sharks look for food, a few passengers try to make it to the surface. There was one passenger I wanted to be eaten.
One More Shot - Shamed Navy Seal tries to save the country when a rogue military group plans to set off an explosion in D.C. as a diversion to steal government secrets. Crazy violence and a puzzling ending.
Out of Darkness - A group trying to survive in the stone age is horrified when they think they are being hunted by a mystical being who kidnapped a boy.
Parallel - A woman deals with grief after her son dies while living in a lake house that is close to parallel universes. I didn't really get it, but the performances are good.
The Platform 2 - Didn't much like the first one and this futuristic sequel about a platform prison is not any better. Not sure what the message is through the mess, but I'll say the concept isn't bad.
Problemista - A young man from El Salvador travels to New York to try and get a job making toys. Instead, he encounters strange people. I just didn't get the point of this, even though Alejandro (Julio Torres) is somewhat likeable. Tilda Swinton character is one of the most annoying of the year.
Rebel Moon Part 2: The Scargiver - Looks like it is trying to be a Star Wars type adventure with a harder edge. But the characters have little or no personality.
Red Right Hand - Orlando Bloom is forced to return to being an enforcer for a evil organized crime group in his home town. I have never seen Andie McDowell so evil. Chill Andie.
Seeking Mavis Beacon - Documentary about finding a Haitian model whose likeness was used on a program that taught kids how to type. No big reveals.
Sentinel - Three so-called heroes time travel to try to save survivors after an alien invasion. Couldn't really follow this and the characters were awful.
Sleeping Dogs - Russell Crowe plays a cop with memory issues who re-examines a murder case from many years before. It's confusing and uninteresting, but Crowe tries.
Smile 2 - Did not hate the first one and the concept of this second film seemed intriguing. I just thought it got way too hectic and it should have ended different. The chaos was too much for me at times.
Something in the Water - Girls try to get away to a remote island for a sort of bachelorette party, but the boat breaks down. Unfortunately, there is something mean in the water that is hungry.
Spaceman - Netflix film with Adam Sandler as a Czech astronaut going through depression and regret, while approaching a dust cloud behind Jupiter. It is slow and boring.
Storm Crashers - Kids try to save a town from a wicked storm in this forgettable animated film. Victoria is kinda ccol with that eye patch, though.
Tarot - College students rent a secluded cottage and find some tarot cards in a wooden box. They open it and use them. Surprise. Bad decision.
Tell Me That You Love Me - Odd documentary about a special education teacher's inappropriate relationship with a retarded man. Facilitated communication: Do you believe it or not?
Trigger Warning - Jessica Alba killing bad boys can be fun to watch, but this action thriller lacks much to a story.
Trouble - Strange Swedish film on Netflix about a hapless divorcee framed for murder after being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Unfrosted - Spoof about the beginning of Pop Tarts with Jerry Seinfeld in the lead. Had a few laughs, but is mostly low-level comedy. The evil milk men are very funny.
Vanished into the Night - Your basic drama about an estranged couple whose kids get kidnapped - or did they? Not much interesting here, but there is a bit of a twist.
What Jennifer Did - Documentary about Jennifer Pan, who was convicted of murdering her parents in Markham, Ontario. It's not a thrilling Netflix Doc.
The Worst of the Worst, The Dirty Dozen
12. After Everything - Finally the end of this bad series of movies. I have often said Hardin is one of my most hated characters and Josephine Langford (Tessa) plays one of the dumbest. Thank God it's over.
11. Rumours - Seven leaders of the wealthiest democracies meet to draft a statement about a world crisis and get lost in the woods. It is billed as a black comedy, but there was nothing funny about it.
10. Speak No Evil - James McAvoy and his wife coax a normal couple they meet on vacation to their secluded home and weird things start happening. Nothing really interesting, new or fun about this horror tale. McAvoy's sinister character is easy to figure out.
9. Poolman - Chris Pine stars as an annoying free spirit who wants to better his hometown, but bumbles his way through life. I had very little clue what was going on throughout.
8. Sting - A precocious 12-year-old girl raises an alien spider and must try to survive with her family after the big guy gets mean. Doesn't make you care about anything.
7. The Girl in the Pool - Paramount Plus original with Freddie Prinze Jr. frantically trying to cover up the murder of his mistress in the pool. It really is just a mess of a movie with a sexy girl (Gabrielle Haugh) as the backdrop.
6. Knox Goes Away - An aging contract killer (Michael Keaton) is diagnosed with Dementia and tries to help his estranged son while deteriorating. Keaton can't save this dark film.
5. Night Swim - A family, led by an injured professional baseball player, moves into a home with a special pool that gives and takes away. What the heck is Kerry Condon doing in this? Hope she got paid well.
4. The Front Room - The old, weird, religious zealot stepmom moves in with a young family and terrorizes it. It's as bad as expected. Zero value.
3. Mea Culpa - A defense lawyer in a bad marriage is seduced by her client. The story is not logical and the characters are all very unlikeable.
2. Divorce in the Black - Tyler Perry does not seem to be trying anymore. This film has a ridiculous plot line about stupid, evil people. The top three are in their own league of bad.
1. Mean Girls - I got about 10 minutes into this one and said "It's a freaking musical?" It's so bad. Isn't the hot girl supposed to be better looking than the average girl (Angourie Rice). She isn't. Hopefully, Rice will get some better roles down the road, because she is appealing. You never know why a particular movie makes you so angry. But this one did. Expectations probably played a part.
PREVIOUS WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR
2023 - Sweetwater
2022 - Dashcam
2021 - False Positive
2020 - Dolittle
2019 - Cold Pursuit
2018: Mile 22
2017 - Mother!
2016 - 13 Hours and Hail Caesar!
2015 - Chappie
2014 - The Monuments Men
Not Really Interested (But May Watch If Available at Some Point): Absolution, A Case for Love, Afraid, Altered Reality, Am I a Racist?, The Carpenter, The Critic, The Crow, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, Double Down South, Elevation, The Exorcism, The Firing Squad, Fitting In, Founders Days, For Prophet, The Front Room, The Garfield Movie, Get Away, The Greatest of All Time, Harold and the Purple Crayon, Hitpig, Imaginary, Kraven the Hunter, Jungle Bunch: Labyrinth, The Last Front, Latency, Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohimin, Lost on a Mountain in Maine, The Man in the White Van, Monster Summer, National Anthem, Never Let Go, Not Another Church Movie, Operation Meltdown, Ordinary Angels, The People's Joker, Popular Theory, Reagan, The Relentless Patriot,, Sight, Sinister, Sound of Hope: The Story of Possum Trot, The Strangers Chapter One, Tokyo Cowboy, Villains Inc., Werewolves.
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