By Mark Pukalo
It was a great year for movies overall. Even some of the high-profile films I didn't enjoy had some redeeming qualities.
Films such as Saltburn, Maestro, Skinamarink, Society of the Snow, A Haunting in Venice and Beau is Afraid featured a few good moments, some style or uniqueness and superior acting. I just didn't like them anywhere close to the way many critics did. But they were not annoying enough to make worst list.
Movies like Baby Ruby, Good Burger 2, The Retirement Plan, The Machine, Mafia Mamma, Moving On and My Happy Ending all had some stars in them and are not recommended. I just wasn't mean enough to put them on the worst 15.
It is hard to believe a sports movie ended up being my pick for the worst of the worst.
I honestly felt sorry for the lead actor (Everett Osborne) in "Sweetwater." He tried. Jeremy Piven tried, too, as Joe Lapchick. But the script and the direction was just so bad. Some of the horror films might have had my head spinning. But the basketball action in "Sweetwater" was some of the worst in any sports film ever.
The only saving grace for Sweetwater? Last year's pick "Dashcam" was way worse.
I'm doing something different this year. I will reveal my Best of 2023 list in sections. Next up will be watchable, then low honorable mention, medium honorable mention and high honorable mention. Following those will be the top 31, including Joe Lunardi's first six out. I hope Joe doesn't mind me using his name again, but it fits. LOL.
To go along with the worst 15, here is a list of the films just one level up and not worth your time. I have to say I was being nice by keeping "The Retirement Plan" off the worst 15. I recently watched the Nic Cage movie and it was truly awful. The ending was absolutely head scratching.
Here's some more to avoid.
Barely Passable (Very, very few redeemable things)
AKA - An agent on an undercover mission, with some crooked bosses, helps the son and daughter of a man he is investigating.
Aporia - A confusing, uninspiring time travel story as a wife (Judy Greer) tries to change history and bring back her husband.
Asterix & Obelix: The Middle Kingdom - Silly medieval comedy about two old friends who try to help a princess in China.
Baby Ruby - A woman deals with Post-Partum Depression. Kit Harrington (Jon Snow) is the baby daddy in this well-acted, but weird, confusing film.
Black Book - Nigerian crime drama with a minister trying to avenge the murder of his son by a former ruthless boss.
Blood & Gold - A young Jewish woman saves a deserting German soldier as Nazis try to find hidden gold in the area.
The Boogeyman - Your basic scare-em up film with a little family and school drama as a neat backdrop. Nothing new.
Cobweb - A young boy tries to investigate the knocking sounds inside the walls of his house, which unveils a sinister secret kept by his evil parents.
Good Burger 2 - A little slapstick goofiness aside, the Kenan Thompson comedy is not really worth the time it takes to watch it.
Insidious: The Red Door: Another in the series. Didn't see the others, but I'm sure they are all the same - bad demon, a past that keeps coming back. It has enough depth to stay out of the bottom.
The Last Kingdom: Seven Kings Must Die - You kind of needed to see the Last Kingdom TV series. The epic drama didn't move me.
The Lesson - Weird movie about a tutor who is hired by a rich family to work with their son. It was not compelling or unique at all.
Locked In - Didn't like this crime, mystery drama about some really bad people much at all. The only thing that made it watchable for a few moments is that Rose Williams is pretty.
Luther: The Fallen Sun - Idris Alba is a damaged cop going after a serial killer. Storyline is just not good enough.
The Machine - A few laughs from comedian Bert Kreischer and Mark Hamill, but not many in this Russian mafia story.
Mafia Mamma - Toni Collette quickly moves from a regular woman to a mafia princess when she visits Italy for her grandfather's funeral. It's a mess.
Miranda's Victim - Based on a true story about the things a rape victim went through after her attack. Just a shabbily-done film about a serious subject.
Moving On - Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda fumble through a poor script which centers around two old friends attending a third's funeral.
My Happy Ending - Love seeing Andie McDowell again, but the movie about a popular actress at a cancer hospital does not have much to it. In fact, it was annoyingly bad.
Of An Age - A disjointed gay love story. The characters aren't particularly believable.
The Old Way - Nic Cage in a substandard Western, but it had a few ok moments. Little Ryan Kiera Armstrong is cute in her role.
The Out-Laws - Criminal in-laws Ellen Barkin and Pierce Brosnan visit their daughter and her husband for the first time and there are few laughs.
The Pope's Exorcist - Russell Crowe's depiction of a different kind of exorcist saves this film from the bottom list.
The Retirement Plan - This is a real mess of a movie with Nic Cage as a former government assassin coming back to help his family survive against evil forces. The premise was good, but the execution was downright terrible.
The Ritual Killer - A serial killer is on the loose and Dr. Mackles (Morgan Freeman) tries to help the police. He doesn't really do it.
River Wild - Estranged brother and sister go on a rafting trip with a nasty guy and - surprise - bad things end up happening.
Run Rabbit Run - A fertility doctor must confront an ugly incident in the past when her daughter suddenly reminds her of it and unloosens a screw in her head.
Shotgun Wedding - Josh Duhamel and J-Lo in a disjointed wedding caper with a lot of violence and very little humor.
Supercell - Storm chaser story with Alec Baldwin and Anne Heche isn't particularly good, but is not next level awful.
Transfusion - An Iraq veteran battles PTSD and taking care of his son, who survived a crash that killed a wife and unborn child.
Ok, these 15 are even worse.
Dishonorable Mention : The Civil Dead (lack of humor in a ghost story), The Devil Conspiracy (mindless devil action), Gold Brick (Didn't get it), Jungle (Korean Sci-Fi story about AIs that was hard to follow), Noise (Netflix film about a young couple that moves into a family house before finding out a deep dark secret).
WORST 10 of the Year
10. Enys Men - Beautifully shot movie about nothing. I kept waiting for something to happen.
9. Maggie Moore(s) - Dumb murder/caper movie with a great cast, including Tina Fey and Jon Hamm. Hard to believe it could be this bad.
8. The Price We Pay - Awful crime drama with really, really bad people. Attractive Gigi Zumbado probably saves it from being in the top five.
7. Children of the Corn - Sinister kids in Iowa take over a town and try to kill all the elders in a touch up of the 2020 film. Heck, it could happen. I guess this film was re-issued. Didn't know. But it was in theaters in 2023.
6. Consecration - Another one of those religious horror films. This one was especially baffling. Even Jena Malone looking cute as ever couldn't help.
5. Magic Mike's Last Dance - Oh man, could not stay with this one. I mean, you get $60,000 to dance for Salma Hayek? Free from me. Sorry.
4. The Strays - Two young African-American kids come back to terrorize their mother, who abandoned them years earlier to take on a new identity as a white person. Yes, really.
3. Evil Dead Rise - Don't understand the use for movies like this, but they keep making them and banking money, so I guess that's why. I tried, but I really couldn't follow it.
2. Nefarious - Laughable two-man show on death row. It was ultimately a God squad film. Who knew?
1. Sweetwater - A horribly-done depiction of Nat "Sweetwater" Clifton as he became the first black man to sign a contract in the NBA. The film is an embarrassment to basketball.
PREVIOUS WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR
2022 - Dashcam
2021 - False Positive
2020 - Dolittle
2019 - Cold Pursuit
2018: Mile 22
2017 - Mother!
2016 - 13 Hours and Hail Caesar!
2015 - Chappie
2014 - The Monuments Men
2013 - The Place Between the Pines
2012 - Cloud Atlas
2011 - Tree of Life
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